Riga’s Log: The Tears of Selûne – Part II

[Divine Flame]

Baccardi Riga The Third (gnome illusionist), Gilthanas Sunblade (half-elf paladin), Malak (half-orc rogue/fighter)

Previously: Summoned by the Church of Sune to Neverwinter, the heroes search the city for three tears of the goddess Selûne that have fallen from the sky.

Noble Scoundrels

I do recognize that, from time to time, I tend to act somewhat like a scoundrel (some ill-intentioned people may even brand me a charlatan), but comparing to what you see among Neverwinter's noble class... Pfffft! I have years of training ahead of me!

We were approached by a maid of Lord Farrahkan's, who told us (after asking for gold) that one of the crystals was in her lord's possession. Well, time for some house calls to the nobles of Neverwinter!

Since Gilthanas seems to be, AGAIN, "missing in action" (underneath the sheets of some oddly named inn), it falls to me and Malak to visit Lord Farrahkan. So, I pay for a fine horse-drawn carriage to take the High Representative of Phandalin Baccardi Riga The Third, and his companion, Master-of-Arms Professor Malak, to beseech an audience at Farrahkan Mansion.

We wait... and wait... and wait... and wait in exasperation, until some nosy butler comes to us asking for our intentions. What?!?! Am I, BACCARDI-RIGA-THE-THIRD, envoy oh Phandalin, to justify myself to the butler? Get outta here! I tell him that our business is for Lord Farrahkan's ears only. But the guy insists, and insists, and insists. This stuck up half-witted scruffy-looking nerf herder starts to REALLY get on my nerves! I tell him that we wish to discuss Art issues with Lord Farrahkan, alliances, an incoming orc invasion, whatever! But he just plays with words.

At some point, he decides to mention - hypothetically - that Lord Farrahkan may - hypothetically - have one of the crystals. And that - hypothetically - he may be willing to trade it for a painting residing in Lord Luther's mansion, which could only be - hypothetically - acquired via less transparent ways.

I AM AT A SHOCK! Who does this culprit thinks he's talking with!!!!!!??????

"Professor Malak, I refuse to exchange one more word with this scum! I leave the matter in thy wise hands!"

Yup... the flamboyant gnome and the fearsome half-orc make a good team.

Thunderstruck at the sound of pipes

It would be unthinkable for a noble gnome such as moi to enter a mansion in the middle of the night in order to steal a painting. So, I leave my clothes in a box, dress all in black, and if anyone asks... my name is Fidelio. I use my Spider Staff to give Spider Climb to both of us, and we follow the path of the ninja!

OR NOT!

Twenty seconds after leaping the fence, I have a thousand guard dogs barking and chasing me. I turn invisible and try to run into the house. But these are huge, vicious, german shepherd dogs... although there is no Germany in Faerûn. So I'm going to call them CORMYR MASTIFF HOUNDS OF BANE!!!!!! With big red eyes! And teeth!

And, fuuuuuuck, they picked up my scent. They're going to catch me, even while I'm invisible! Sune, my lady, save thy noblest of followers!!!!

And she does.

Gilthanas, with the most perfect sense of timing in the history of existence, appears near the mansions' gates, pretending to be drunk. He plays his bagpipes and uses some spell to make thunder and lightning crash unto the walls, wreaking havoc all over the place. That gives us enough time to "pickpocket" the painting and get-the-F-out.

Come next day, Gilthanas and Malak go back to Farrahkan Mansion and trade the painting for the crystal.

Too bad the dogs caught my scent. I was planning to inform Lord Luther, anonymously, that the painting now rested in half-witted Louis' hands...

Floating Towers and Floating Armors and Floating Carpets

Some shady Harper dude approaches Gilthanas and informs him that the third Tear of Selûne rests atop a floating tower. The only way to reach it is through the gadget of a gnome named Pietrr, which resembles a huge ballista. Oh, this is going to be fun!

We climb the rope up to the floating tower, which is rather amazing, because it has ghosts of wizards falling from it. On arrival, BAM! Everything around us changes! We are no longer in Neverwinter, but in some weird grassy plains area. As everything seemed to be going so well, il bastardo (aka the DM) decides to throw every piece of FURNITURE at us. Suddenly, the carpet gets animated, there are flying swords all around us, a set of armor attacks us, all Hell breaks loose!

Like elephants in a porcelain shop, we smash everything. I wish I could keep the carpet... It would be nice to have a flying carpet. No half-wit would deny an audience to Lord Baccardi Riga The Third again...

Drying the Tears of a Goddess

And, there you have it! Another successful accomplishment for the Divine Flame. We return the three tears/crystals to priestess Jasmine - which Gilthanas INSISTS must occur in Sune's temple (the religious intolerance of these people is appalling! - and there is much reverie.

Before leaving Neverwitner I meet with our friend priest Magnus, and ask him to intercede on my behalf near Lord Nasher in order to build a road connecting Phandalin to the High Road. I offer my services to place a road sign pointing towards our blooming town... Which obviously will have a mention to the noblest Baccardi Riga The Third! ;)

All is well when it ends well.

Previously Unseen Footage of Gilthanas' Performance in Neverwinter

Riga’s Log: The Tears of Selûne

[Divine Flame]

Baccardi Riga The Third (gnome illusionist), Gilthanas Sunblade (half-elf paladin), Malak (half-orc rogue/fighter)

Previously: The goddess Sune, aka Lady Firehair, has been guiding the footsteps of the heroes of Phandalin. And they have been generous in retributing the goddess's favor, gathering resources to erect the House of the Divine Flame, a temple dedicated to Sune. But the winds of peril are caressing Phandalin, with word of an incoming orc invasion...

The Jewel of the North

When the letter from High Priest Magnus arrived in Phandalin, inviting the heroes to go to the High Temple of Sune in Neverwinter, Baccardi Riga The Third needed less than two and half seconds to pack his bags. After all, how could the most illustrious gnome in existence decline an opportunity to visit the city known as The Jewel of the North?

[What do you mean the letter was addressed to Gilthanas Sunblade? It was lying over the table. It's not my fault it was already opened...]

Anyway, while the druid Klin went into the forest to deal with Emerald Enclave stuff, the three of us (Riga, Gilthanas, and Malak) headed to Neverwinter. On arrival, we went to the High Temple of Sune, a masterpiece of architecture, with an impressive portraits gallery. Having myself an impressive portrait of... myself back at home, I conjured an unseen servant to carry around a duplicate of my portrait, presenting moi to the important persons. Not that I'm trying to do propaganda of any sort. It is all in the name of Art...

Sune, Selûne, and... SWAG

After a brief word with Magnus we end up being received by the High Priestess Elvira. Turns out she's a fangirl of Gilthanas, the paladin-guy who walks around with SWAG written all over his chainmail. It is good for his reputation to show himself in my most wonderful company, but he hurries to present Malak (the half-orc) as the baggage boy.

Being the gnome extraordinaire that I am, the lady is flabbergasted with moi. I take this blessed-by-Sune-opportunity to ramble about our misfortune in not being able to dedicate a proper locale to the goddess, blaming the nefarious Mayor Harbin for his lack of vision and empathy, forbidding us to use the long forgotten, ruined, and abandoned Tresendar Manor. Taking my cue, Gilthanas steps forward and mentions the existence of evidence that he used public funds for private purposes. I sigh... Alas, if only we could have word from someone with influence from the majestic Neverwinter...

Immediately, Lady Elvira states that she'll write Lord Nasher appealing him to grant us jurisdiction over the manor.

I feel small tears of joy burning my purple gnomish eyes...

But enough of Sune! Elvira tells us she has a favor to ask. She presents High Priestess Jasmine, from the Temple of Selûne, who is most distressed. Selûne had a vision, and she wept. Three of the goddess's tears have fallen last night in Neverwinter, under the form of pure crystals.

Yes, you guessed it right: it falls to the swag-paladin, the gnome extraordinaire, and the baggage boy to recover THE TEARS OF SELÛNE!

A shady tavern, a black lake, and...

My comrades drag me to a stinky inn by the docks to gather information. SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! Not a day have I passed in the JEWEL-OF-THE-NORTH, the most glorious city in northern Faerûn, and instead of browsing through noble palaces and regal mansions, I am to go into some dark, smelly, sinkhole, full of drunken rogues and toothless wenches?!!! Is this what I get for becoming a convert to Sune?!?! I WANT A REFUND!

Malak, being in his natural habitat, goes "sniffing around". I disguise myself as the blandest gnome possible, and decide to entertain myself. There's a fat n' filthy wench serving at the tables, drooling with ale. I cast the cantrip Message, pretending to have someone whisper in her ear that the half-elf next to the gnome is madly in love with her. She goes straight to Gilthanas, and… HANKY-PANKY ensues!

I giggle.

Gathering the info from the inn, and with a brief visit to Black Lake district, we find that a Halfling named Lard – I’m going to stop here for a moment, just to envision a Halfling named pig fat – has one of the crystals in his possession.

... a murky swamp.

We follow Pig Fat’s trail to a murky swamp outside the walls, where the ancient docks stood. Yes, I am BEYOND delighted for spending two days in Neverwinter rummaging around swamps and slums. I get EVEN MORE DELIGHTED when one of Pig Fat’s friends nails a HEAVY CROSSBOW BOLT, SHOT WITH A CRITICAL HIT TAKING ME FROM 22 HP TO 4 HP, IN MY SWEET GNOMISH SHOULDER BLADES!

Riga, the Intimidating

We fall in a Mexican standoff. We are inside Lard’s hut, and have him captured. But his friends are waiting outside. Have I mentioned the FUCKING HEAVY CROSSBOWS? I believe that I have… So, Malak, being the brutish half-orc that he is, tries to intimidate Fat Pig. The little one is unimpressed. Gilthanas, a bulky warrior in heavy armor, threatens to cut the halfling’s only remaining hand. Nah, he is not scared. At last, it is time for moi. And moi is really pissed! I could be dinning in Lord Nasher’s hall, I could be swinging propaganda all around the JEWEL-OF-THE-NORTH, I could be admiring the amazing artisans of Neverwinter. Instead, I had to disguise myself in order to NOT BEING RECOGNIZED – which is something rather alien to me – while I’m dragged through the worst places imaginable. I start foaming from my mouth, jump on Lard’s chest, drench the guy in spittle, screaming outrageous threats… and the poor Halfling wets his pants. He trembles, cries like a baby, and delivers me the crystal.

This is a way of saying: Malak rolled a 3 in Intimidation, Gilthanas rolled a 5, I rolled 19. Hey, what can I say? I AM the gnome extraordinaire. Sune is the one rolling the dice for me. I am a mere spectator.

One crystal down, two more to go. So far, Riga is unimpressed with Neverwinter. It smells of muck, sour ale, piss, and pig fat. I already miss my small – BUT CLEAN – Phandalin, where I have my Forge of Sells, and where the future Riga Mansion waits for me…

(to be continued – hopefully stench-free)

Riga’s Log: Suddenly, Fireball!

[Divine Flame]

Baccardi Riga The Third (gnome illusionist), Gilthanas Sunblade (half-elf paladin), Klin (half-elf druid), Malak (half-orc rogue)

Previously: The heroes have fought hard to raise their House of the Divine Flame, dedicated to Sune, being forced to recover the goddess’s statues stolen by forestfolk. The arrival of the church’s emissaries is widely awaited…

I start this post with a protest! How can a Fireball do 8D6 damage?!?!?! It is known, since before the dawn of times, that a Fireball rolls for 6D6! Where do you think this blog’s name came from? Hum?

Grumble… But let us start at the beginning…

Anarchist-atheist-catastrophists in Phandalin

Our session started with ample P-A-R-TAY! The committee from the Church of Sune arrived in our town, and booze flew freely all along the main square.

In the aftermath of the festivities, a bunch of freaks decide to launch a nocturnal attack on the temples of Sune and Tymora. While Sune is blessed with our presence (we manage to capture the culprits – more guys to swing in Gilthanas’ hanging ropes), Tymora, goddess of luck, is quite… unlucky! BWAHAHAHA! Pun intended. The priestess, Gandarelle, appears to have been captured by the crazed anti-gods fanatics. With our widely perfected inquisitive skills we are able to discover that the loonies belong to a cult that goes by the name “Zetas”, operating from the mountains, Northeast of Phandalin.

The orcs are coming!

On our way towards the "general direction in the mountains where baddies gather" we cross paths with our dwarven friend Gandrid, the miner. He seems to be rather startled with news pointing to an imminent invasion from the Many Arrows orc tribe. Oh, really?!?!? When I spoke of it a couple of weeks ago he was all "oh, can't be bothered, have a mine to run", and now he is concerned? One day I'm gonna turn this guy into a frog. But for now he is an ally (besides, he is crucial in defending MY Forge of Spells), and my concern with the town is genuine, so I'm gonna give it a "red priority level".

Picture: link

The ruined temple

Eventually, we discover a ruined temple in the mountains. Belonging to no god in particular, it appears to have been severely vandalized. We try to take the sentinels down without much noise, and that seems - momentarily - to be the outcome, when suddenly... FIREBALL!

1. ROLL FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE

2. Gilthanas goes down

3. Klin goes down

4. ... fuuuuuuck

At times like these, you either go down in a blaze of glory, or be truthful to your roleplay. And I am ALWAYS truthful to roleplay. No matter the cost. I am a chaotic good gnome mage, two of my trusted friends are fallen at my side, near death, and I am outnumbered. They may be unaware of Malak's presence (he was fighting one-on-one with a sentinel behind some tents), but I'm not willing to take any chances and risk my comrades' lives. I raise my arms and surrender.

The bandits take the time to go into the temple in order to call what I presume was their boss, and leave only one guard watching over us. Malak takes the opportunity to take the guy down.

We press the final attack, killing every culprit, freeing the priestess Gandarelle, and... discovering a magical sword with the hilt shaped like the head of Sune. Gilthanas will be comatose for the next three weeks.

All is well when it ends well... Even when you discover a letter from one of the Zetas’ leaders that signs simply as “L”.

What the HELL, DM, is this supposed to be some weird crossover with “Death Note”? If so, can I turn my spellbook into one of those black notebooks? For scientific purposes, obviously… Arcana, science, and… stuff…

(The Imperial March plays in the background)

Riga’s Log: Bears Wrestling and Statues in the Forest

[Divine Flame]

Baccardi Riga The Third (gnome illusionist), Gilthanas Sunblade (half-elf paladin), Klin (half-elf druid)

Previously: After unmasking a doppelgänger plot in the neighbor town of Leilon, Faerûn’s Mightiest Heroes were promised statues for the House of the Divine Flame (Temple of Sune).

Get out of the paladin’s way

The party receives disgruntling news! The caravan with Sune’s statues was assaulted in the middle of the road by “one gnome, one bear, and two humans”. Huummm… let me start using my 18 Intelligence: I am a gnome, Klin is a druid that passes half his time in bear form, and both Gilthanas and Malak are “half-humans”. Wait a minute, wasn’t the doppelgänger complot the theme from last session?

The druid wasn’t quite bothered, but I was pissed! I mean, beyond the statues, MY regal portrait was also in the caravan. Then, suddenly, we focused our attention on Gilthanas. Try to say “Keep Calm and Carry On” to a paladin whose temple’s statues have been stolen. His pointy ears turned red, turned yellow, turned blue, turned violet with green circles, and two seconds later he was threatening half the town, and willing to burn the entire forest to find the bandits. NOW was the time for the druid to be bothered!

And thou shall burn the forest!

Scouting the forest we manage to find a guy… which we were supposed to “inquire friendly”. But, suddenly… paladin! In less than a minute he was all over the dude, making the World Wrestling Federation proud. Well, his friends weren’t far, so we were hit by a bear, some guy, and a female gnome. Being the Illusionist Extraordinaire that I am, the bear is somewhat hindered by my illusion of a bear trap holding his paw. But, “my druid” decides to go all bear-shaped against him. Hmmm, ok, Gilthanas is rolling in the floor with the first dude; the bears are wrestling each other…  Hey, female gnome, wanna go wrestle with me, “roll in the grass and shake some leaves”?

I start using my news spells (Scorching Ray), and the bastard DM decides to start singing Adele, and “I set fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire to the raaaaaaaaaaaaaain”, except there’s no rain and I’m not even rolling fumbles. He’s just a freaking sadist! Sorry druid, I really didn’t mean to torch the forest with my fiery bolts. Hey, I’m a forest gnome! Look at me: I’m a treehugger!

How – exactly – do you keep a druid in jail?

We capture the gnomish druid, and the non-bear guy. Without much effort, we make them reveal the spot where the statues were hidden.

Immediately, we return to Phandalin with the bandits and the statues. Gilthanas reserves four ropes to hang the bandits (the gnome managed to convince him there were two guys hiding in an encampment in the forest, responsible for the theft). But the moment we’re leaving town I realized: exactly how are we going to keep the gnomish druid in jail? I mean, can’t she shapechange at any time, transform into a lizard and get away? Seriously, guys, how do you do it? A mage’s hands can be tied, but what about a druid? After much debate, we decide to take her (the name’s Ella) with us.

Look into my eyes, I’m a charming gnome

My big hearted gnome starts having a soft spot for Ella. She tricks Gilthanas pretending to be touched by Sune’s grace. This is hilarious! She’s a charlatan, just like me! Hum, and she has that feral good looks… You’re not going to fall for a wildling, are you Riga? You know nothing, Jon Snow…

Well, just in case, I wink my violet gnomish eyes and blast her with Charm Person. She confides the encampment is guarded by a brute named Boris, who has a bear named Panko, and some other thugs. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm: Baldrick, I have a cunning plan!

So, we captured a gnome, a human, and killed a bear. Our druid morphs into a bear, Gilthanas uses his disguise kit and passes as a “random human”… and I strip Ella’s clothes, put on some makeup, and pretend to be a female gnome. Oh boy, this is going to do wonders for my career in politics…

Love is in the air, everywhere I look aroooooooooound

We leave Ella tied to a tree, and try to walk casually into the encampment. But – alas! – the bastard DM foils my cunning plan, and states that the bad guys already knew their pals  had been captured. With no space for gnomish cunning, it’s CLOBBERIN’ TIME!

Although with some effort, we make short work of the brutes. When the situation is under control, my gnome turns invisible and withdraws from the area, leaving Gilthanas and Klin to gather the spoils of war. Going back to Ella, I give her a passionate kiss, untie her bonds, and tell her to go free. Her heart is racing like fire. I knew Gilthanas was dead serious about taking the thieves to be hanged in Phandalin. But she’s a pretty, rascal, charlatan, forest gnome, and we live in a strange perilous world. Sorry, Gilthanas, but my gnomish empathy speaks louder, and you can but blame yourself. After all… Sune’s love totally overwhelmed me!

Riga’s Log: Baron Doppelgänger

[Divine Flame]

Baccardi Riga The Third (gnome illusionist), Gilthanas Sunblade (half-elf paladin), Malak (half-orc rogue)

Previously: The Divine Flame is summoned to the city of Leilon in order to investigate Baroness Helena’s claims that her husband isn’t who he pretends to be. On arrival, a group of thugs disguised as priests of Lathander make an attempt on the baroness’ life.

Journey to the Red Light District

We were chased by a group of thugs, managed to capture one, and took him for questioning in a brothel. To loosen his tongue, I used illusions to give my eyes a draconic look and started mumbling random stuff in a strange language, while leaning over my exotic cane (staff). With Gilthanas and Malak pressuring him, he pissed his pants and told us what he knew.

We left him gagged and tied to the bed with a "do not disturb" sign hanging in the door.

What? Who are you calling chaotic evil?!?

The Goblin's Goblet

Entering the spot where all evil bastards meet, we try – unsuccessfully – to bargain some magical items. Eventually, we reach conversation with Konnal. The guy is a member of the Leilon Bashers, and reveals that a sculptor named Proust was behind the attempt on Baroness Helena's life.

Monsieur Proust

Turns out that Proust is a tiefling, and, apparently, schizophrenic, because he was all scared that someone could have followed us, revealed the "main plot" (the Baron, the Magistrate, and the Bashers' Leader had all been replaced by doppelgangers), tried to knife Gilthanas, and immediately took a pill... and died.

Along the way, Proust also told us that in the baron's dungeon a man was being held captive (an old acquaintance of the real baron).

Turns out we were wrong! The culprit wasn’t Baron Harkonnen, but Baron Doppelgänger!

Sune Sheds Light Unto the Dungeon

After revealing the plot to our friend, Captain Colgate, we lure the false Baron to the dungeon pretending that the baroness was awake and talking to the captive.

Gilthanas disguised himself as the prisoner, and as soon as he entered the cell I hit him with "Riga's Hideous Laughter". We shackle him. Being the good liar that I am, he is convinced that both his companions are already under our grasp. Either he cooperates and gives us the location of the real baron, or else...

But getting the info out of him proved harder than expected. The DM called for a DC 25 Persuasion check. I suggested casting Charm Person to lower the DC, but it wouldn't do. For several minutes we were faced with a "Kobayshi Maru scenario" (no win). I was already suggesting the other party members for us to deliver the guy to the real priests of Lathander (and hope that they could extract the info from him), when Gilthanas' player, out of desperation, decides to "have faith in Sune" and - literally - throws the die up for Persuasion. And Sune answered! A 20 lands on the table. We cheer like madmen. The real persons are imprisoned in magical rings, which the Lathanderites manage to dispel.

Statues and Portraits and Gold and Glory! Oh my!

The baron's daughter covers us in gifts, offering to send the best artists to Phandalin in order to carve statues for our temple of Sune. Also, the best painter in all the Realms will be doing a magnificent portrait of Baccardi Riga III.

My gnome illusionist already favored Sune, but after the visit to Leilon he decided to convert fully. The beer's on you, Gilthanas! ;)