Thursday, 21 May 2015

Riga’s Log: Bears Wrestling and Statues in the Forest

[Divine Flame]
Baccardi Riga The Third (gnome illusionist), Gilthanas Sunblade (half-elf paladin), Klin (half-elf druid)

Previously: After unmasking a doppelgänger plot in the neighbor town of Leilon, Faerûn’s Mightiest Heroes were promised statues for the House of the Divine Flame (Temple of Sune).

Get out of the paladin’s way
The party receives disgruntling news! The caravan with Sune’s statues was assaulted in the middle of the road by “one gnome, one bear, and two humans”. Huummm… let me start using my 18 Intelligence: I am a gnome, Klin is a druid that passes half his time in bear form, and both Gilthanas and Malak are “half-humans”. Wait a minute, wasn’t the doppelgänger complot the theme from last session?
The druid wasn’t quite bothered, but I was pissed! I mean, beyond the statues, MY regal portrait was also in the caravan. Then, suddenly, we focused our attention on Gilthanas. Try to say “Keep Calm and Carry On” to a paladin whose temple’s statues have been stolen. His pointy ears turned red, turned yellow, turned blue, turned violet with green circles, and two seconds later he was threatening half the town, and willing to burn the entire forest to find the bandits. NOW was the time for the druid to be bothered!

And thou shall burn the forest!
Scouting the forest we manage to find a guy… which we were supposed to “inquire friendly”. But, suddenly… paladin! In less than a minute he was all over the dude, making the World Wrestling Federation proud. Well, his friends weren’t far, so we were hit by a bear, some guy, and a female gnome. Being the Illusionist Extraordinaire that I am, the bear is somewhat hindered by my illusion of a bear trap holding his paw. But, “my druid” decides to go all bear-shaped against him. Hmmm, ok, Gilthanas is rolling in the floor with the first dude; the bears are wrestling each other…  Hey, female gnome, wanna go wrestle with me, “roll in the grass and shake some leaves”?
I start using my news spells (Scorching Ray), and the bastard DM decides to start singing Adele, and “I set fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire to the raaaaaaaaaaaaaain”, except there’s no rain and I’m not even rolling fumbles. He’s just a freaking sadist! Sorry druid, I really didn’t mean to torch the forest with my fiery bolts. Hey, I’m a forest gnome! Look at me: I’m a treehugger!

How – exactly – do you keep a druid in jail?
We capture the gnomish druid, and the non-bear guy. Without much effort, we make them reveal the spot where the statues were hidden.
Immediately, we return to Phandalin with the bandits and the statues. Gilthanas reserves four ropes to hang the bandits (the gnome managed to convince him there were two guys hiding in an encampment in the forest, responsible for the theft). But the moment we’re leaving town I realized: exactly how are we going to keep the gnomish druid in jail? I mean, can’t she shapechange at any time, transform into a lizard and get away? Seriously, guys, how do you do it? A mage’s hands can be tied, but what about a druid? After much debate, we decide to take her (the name’s Ella) with us.

Look into my eyes, I’m a charming gnome
My big hearted gnome starts having a soft spot for Ella. She tricks Gilthanas pretending to be touched by Sune’s grace. This is hilarious! She’s a charlatan, just like me! Hum, and she has that feral good looks… You’re not going to fall for a wildling, are you Riga? You know nothing, Jon Snow…
Well, just in case, I wink my violet gnomish eyes and blast her with Charm Person. She confides the encampment is guarded by a brute named Boris, who has a bear named Panko, and some other thugs. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm: Baldrick, I have a cunning plan!
So, we captured a gnome, a human, and killed a bear. Our druid morphs into a bear, Gilthanas uses his disguise kit and passes as a “random human”… and I strip Ella’s clothes, put on some makeup, and pretend to be a female gnome. Oh boy, this is going to do wonders for my career in politics…

Love is in the air, everywhere I look aroooooooooound
We leave Ella tied to a tree, and try to walk casually into the encampment. But – alas! – the bastard DM foils my cunning plan, and states that the bad guys already knew their pals  had been captured. With no space for gnomish cunning, it’s CLOBBERIN’ TIME!

Although with some effort, we make short work of the brutes. When the situation is under control, my gnome turns invisible and withdraws from the area, leaving Gilthanas and Klin to gather the spoils of war. Going back to Ella, I give her a passionate kiss, untie her bonds, and tell her to go free. Her heart is racing like fire. I knew Gilthanas was dead serious about taking the thieves to be hanged in Phandalin. But she’s a pretty, rascal, charlatan, forest gnome, and we live in a strange perilous world. Sorry, Gilthanas, but my gnomish empathy speaks louder, and you can but blame yourself. After all… Sune’s love totally overwhelmed me!

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