Tyranny
of Dragons Storyline Season – Expedition 11: Dark Pyramid of Sorcerer’s Isle
[Heart of Platinum]
Khan (dwarf cleric), Lanza (elf bard), Sasha (human
ranger), Septimus (tiefling warlock)
Previously: The City of Phlan has fallen captive to the
Cult of the Dragon, led by the elder green dragon known as The Maimed
Virulence. The heroes were forced to flee the city, and await the right time to
take it back. But a pressing situation is laid before them, when the dark
powers of a long forgotten pyramid threaten the landscape around Phlan…
Sooooooo, this is going to be the LEAST EPIC
adventure log... ever!
The party was invited by "generic important NPCs" to investigate
the origins of an act of corruption/defiling towards Nature. An ancient pyramid
had been spilling a foul liquid into the river that serves the city of Phlan
(DAMN YOU, MR. BURNS!!!), causing the fish, other animals, and plants to mutate
into hideous things. Even more hideous than Septimus, our fellow tiefling...
Death by
Sardines
The group travelled through the forest,
encountering several abhorrent fauna and flora. Eventually, a raft was used to
take the heroes to the pyramid’s island. That’s where our epicness began. The
raft was attacked by tentacles, causing the warlock to fall overboard, whom was
in turn attacked by a shoal of mutant sardines, going below zero hit points. The
bard bended towards the water to catch the unconscious tiefling… and was also
attacked by the sardines! Also becoming knocked-out! So, we have an unconscious
tiefling floating in the water, with a bard grabbing his legs, who in turn is
ALSO unconscious, with the ranger ALSO holding his legs, while half the party
is getting its ass kicked… by sardines!
Yes, we are supposed to be the epic heroes of
Phlan, saving the world from the Cult of the Dragon.
Death by Ale
Mugs
We enter the pyramid, where several tests are
presented to us (which I will not reveal, in order to avoid spoilers), and pass
through several encounters and traps, finding out that the pyramid’s corridors
and rooms are shifting and have some interdimensional weirdness occurring.
Perhaps now would be a good time to say that I
ABSOLUTELY HATE DUNGEON CRAWLING! I mean, I hate it more than I hate elves! If
it were up to me, this game would be called Dragons
& Dragons.
At a given point in time & space we arrive at
a room where a new totally epic scene awaits us. The room if full of… kitchen
utensils. Ale mugs, an iron pot, a scale, and a couple of old armors. Praise
Bahamut that they were animated armors, and not animated aprons! At least what
followed can be a little less humiliating… Well, actually it can’t!
We were attacked by the aforementioned kitchen
tools. I am supposed to be a heroic level five cleric of Bahamut, yet I find
myself exchanging blows with two animated ale mugs, while my fellow comrades
have their asses whooped by the same iron pot where Samwise Gamgee cooked
rabbits for Frodo, and a pair of scales. Allow me to be 100% clear: when I say
“scales” I’m not mentioning some sort of magical enhanced dragon scales. I’m
mentioning the stuff you use to weigh PO-TA-TOES! Yes, the same potatoes that
Sam wanted to cook the rabbits with.
The only good thing coming out of this encounter
was having the imp killed by the cooking pot. It is impossible to have a more
idiotic death in D&D. One can almost think about its tombstone: “Here lies
Generic Evil Imp. Killed by a cooking pot. He will not be missed”
Death by
George R R Martin
So, our D&D group (with D&D standing for
Dumb & Dumber) continued its epic walk along the pyramid, until an
encounter with a Red Wizard and his friends occurred. We managed to enter the
room by surprise, and assaulted the fighter that was near the door. Then, out
of nowhere, behind door number five, a wild Generic Red Wizard of Thay appears.
Aaaaand, Ice Storm, Fireball, you’re all dead by A Song of Ice and Fire.
It ended up not being a TPK because… well,
because the DM didn’t want to wait for us to roll new characters!
Thus, we were released by the ranger (who had
missed the session), went after the Generic Red Wizard of Thay… and allowed him
to flee the pyramid. Yes, that’s it. We suck so much that we couldn’t even kill
the bad guy. When the DM asked us “But, aren’t you going to look for the Cult
of the Dragon members that entered the pyramid?” we answered with a collective
“Screw this shit, we’re going home!”
Death by
Imp
The last (?) room of the pyramid (where we
confronted the Generic Red Wizard of Thay), had a set of alien machinery
operated by enthralled lizardmen, connected via pipes to an extradimensional
breach from where the generic evil black goo was being fueled. With a lot of
precision, expertise, and knowledge about engineering, we smashed everything to
smithereens.
Was it over? Noooooo, because, meanwhile, the
bloody imp had returned to life. The machines’ room was guarded by red slaad
(evil frogs of Hell), which had several eggs (note: I wish autocorrect would
stop correcting “slaad” to “salad”, because it would be awkward to have a room
guarded by “red salad”… Well, in due honesty, in this quest in particular I
guess it wouldn’t be that awkward.). My dwarf noticed Septimus, the tiefling
warlock, attempting to steal one of the eggs. When I insisted that he returned
it to be smashed-by-the-boot-of-the-dwarf, the bitchy imp attacked me from
behind. After the final fight I was at 9 hp. I went to the floor…
Aftermath
If the mood between Khan and Septimus wasn’t
good until now, one can imagine how it will be in the future… One thing is to
have a good-aligned cleric trying to ignore a pestering, yet majorly harmless,
imp. Another is to have that imp betray the party and attack one of its members
when he is vulnerable.
One thing’s for sure: something will change, for
worse, amid the party. But that is what you get when you mix a holy servitor of
Bahamut, god of good dragons, and a servitor of Mephistopheles, archdevil of
the nine hells…
